it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Alright, I've got to admit, I'm freaking out like seriously freaking out this time around. The once forever clam me has lost her head to the awaiting of A-levels results. Throughout my entire 12 years of schooling and the so many results that I have waited for and taken, I have never felt this way before. The anxiety, the pressure, the constant bout of depression that always lingers, man its reducing my mentality to a wreck.

For someone like yours truly who have never had dreams about results all this years, the dreams have been coming to me in this past 1 week. Seriously, its nerve wrecking to get haunted by it even in the dreams. I haven't even felt this pressure when I am taking the A-levels so I have no idea why I am freaking out this way now. Like I spend every alone moment thinking about the results and the scene of the different variations of results just keeps playing in my head and it always feels so real.

This is seriously so torturous, simply cannot keep myself from thinking about it especially when everyone around me is like talking about it, friends, family, workmates and even my student's guardian. Like everyone is asking questions like "when are you getting your results?", "are you confident?" Of course I am not, if I had the slightest ounce of confidence I would not have been freaking out like now.

Its not like I have not studied or anything that led to the lack of confidence, but apparently after all the previous experience, I realised and learnt that the more you expect, the more it hurts when you do not hit the expectation. so I rather I not expect anything than fall from heaven into hell when I cannot hit my sky high expectations. seriously, I am keeping my fingers and toes (I'll try) crossed, and pray hard that my results will not disappoint me once again just like it always did.

Oh well, I am just trying to vent my frustrations and it does feel better now that everything is out in black and white. Somehow, feel its easier to regulate your emotions when you see it laid out clearly in front of you than having it swimming like a bunch of mad fishes inside of you. I haven't realise I've written so much, well, its just cold hard proof of how my mind is functioning (or malfunctioning) now.