I know that my blog is pretty much dead and I don't suppose anyone comes here anymore but then as I have said once and again, not blogging does not mean nothing is happening. Something is happening everyday but not everything that has happening and every emotion felt can be translated into words for all to see. So i shall just leave this blog as it is and just come back and blog once in a while when I feel I have the ability to string all the happenings and emotion into words that makes sense.
I have always though that I have only one route that I want to take in life and that I know what I want. I have always thought that once I reach this crossroad, I would not have any difficulty making any decisions because I have long planned out my future for the rest of my life. Before reaching where I am right now, I had been proud that my eventual aim has never been changed nor shaken despite things not going my way and I had taken pride in the fact that I have still remained on the same route despite all the twists and turns that I had not anticipated. But now standing where I am, I suddenly feel that I don't really know what I want anymore, doubts had started to set in and I am one who hates my plans being disrupted. I know that somehow up till today I have always been on the route that I have planned for myself all the while and while I am still proud of being rooted, there have been this nagging doubt that has been engulfing me recently. Its like I am at this crossroad where I have planned to go right but now I see that there are three two other roads possible and I start to wonder if I have been wrong all the while. Why is it that I always regret over not having any options ad alternatives and now when i finally see alternatives, I feel worse than ever. Was I wrong to have started planning when I was not fully in the know of the options that I have? Why is it that something I have always taken pride in becoming my restriction and my obstacle to moving forward? I have no answers and I don't think I will be getting any from anyone. I guess its time to leave things in the hands of fate though I really hate the feeling of not having control over my own life and have never really believed in fate.
Yet another dark post I suppose that really does no justice to this happy looking background of this blog. To put right the wrong, I shall change my blogskin yet again to something more neutral this time or so I intend to. Eventually my ultra-sentimental half is going win my not-so-objective half and the resulting blogskin will then be based upon my emotion at that point in time, just like it always does.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Alright, I've got to admit, I'm freaking out like seriously freaking out this time around. The once forever clam me has lost her head to the awaiting of A-levels results. Throughout my entire 12 years of schooling and the so many results that I have waited for and taken, I have never felt this way before. The anxiety, the pressure, the constant bout of depression that always lingers, man its reducing my mentality to a wreck.
For someone like yours truly who have never had dreams about results all this years, the dreams have been coming to me in this past 1 week. Seriously, its nerve wrecking to get haunted by it even in the dreams. I haven't even felt this pressure when I am taking the A-levels so I have no idea why I am freaking out this way now. Like I spend every alone moment thinking about the results and the scene of the different variations of results just keeps playing in my head and it always feels so real.
This is seriously so torturous, simply cannot keep myself from thinking about it especially when everyone around me is like talking about it, friends, family, workmates and even my student's guardian. Like everyone is asking questions like "when are you getting your results?", "are you confident?" Of course I am not, if I had the slightest ounce of confidence I would not have been freaking out like now.
Its not like I have not studied or anything that led to the lack of confidence, but apparently after all the previous experience, I realised and learnt that the more you expect, the more it hurts when you do not hit the expectation. so I rather I not expect anything than fall from heaven into hell when I cannot hit my sky high expectations. seriously, I am keeping my fingers and toes (I'll try) crossed, and pray hard that my results will not disappoint me once again just like it always did.
Oh well, I am just trying to vent my frustrations and it does feel better now that everything is out in black and white. Somehow, feel its easier to regulate your emotions when you see it laid out clearly in front of you than having it swimming like a bunch of mad fishes inside of you. I haven't realise I've written so much, well, its just cold hard proof of how my mind is functioning (or malfunctioning) now.
For someone like yours truly who have never had dreams about results all this years, the dreams have been coming to me in this past 1 week. Seriously, its nerve wrecking to get haunted by it even in the dreams. I haven't even felt this pressure when I am taking the A-levels so I have no idea why I am freaking out this way now. Like I spend every alone moment thinking about the results and the scene of the different variations of results just keeps playing in my head and it always feels so real.
This is seriously so torturous, simply cannot keep myself from thinking about it especially when everyone around me is like talking about it, friends, family, workmates and even my student's guardian. Like everyone is asking questions like "when are you getting your results?", "are you confident?" Of course I am not, if I had the slightest ounce of confidence I would not have been freaking out like now.
Its not like I have not studied or anything that led to the lack of confidence, but apparently after all the previous experience, I realised and learnt that the more you expect, the more it hurts when you do not hit the expectation. so I rather I not expect anything than fall from heaven into hell when I cannot hit my sky high expectations. seriously, I am keeping my fingers and toes (I'll try) crossed, and pray hard that my results will not disappoint me once again just like it always did.
Oh well, I am just trying to vent my frustrations and it does feel better now that everything is out in black and white. Somehow, feel its easier to regulate your emotions when you see it laid out clearly in front of you than having it swimming like a bunch of mad fishes inside of you. I haven't realise I've written so much, well, its just cold hard proof of how my mind is functioning (or malfunctioning) now.
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